Why Can't You Just Try

Raising two little boys can be daunting and difficult at times, but I would never give up the loves of my life for anything in this world. They have taught me so much in only a few short years. To have patience- LOTS of patience. To embrace the tough stuff and power through. To laugh even when you feel like crying. And to especially be aware of my own behaviors (that they mimic whether I like it or not)! ;) Being a single parent is not easy- everyone knows that. But I can whole heartedly say I am so much happier than I was in a marriage where I tried my hardest, but it was never enough. And my boys are so much happier too when they have a mom that is happy.

Now that I am free to be me, I know I AM enough. I know I am strong and can handle all that I have had to navigate thus far. Because somehow I wake up every day and continue to make it through this
life. But I have to say it would be so much easier and ease my heart if I had a co-parent that actually co-parented. Instead, I deal with someone who has me blocked on their phone, deletes any emails I send without even reading them, and if I ever try to ask him something regarding children when we are exchanging them, he just ignores me and is dismissive as if I do not exist.

This has gone on now for a little over a year and I wonder if it will ever change or if this is what I have to deal with for the next 15 years? Why can't he simply TRY and be the role model our boys so desperately need in him? I can be a great mom and try my best to teach them right from wrong, but my boys, for now, will always look up to their father. They instead witness how he treats their mom (and my family or anyone associated with me) and it truly breaks their hearts, because all they want is for mommy and daddy to get along. My sweet sweet children....if only you knew that is all I want too. Tragically, when my boys are with their dad, he won't allow them to call me and he openly lets them know he hates me.

It scares me that my boys are learning such terrible traits and behaviors. Why can't he just try? Why can't he simply co-parent like the judge hammered into him in court on two different occasions? How many people have to tell him that his behavior and lack of co-parenting is going to have lasting effects on his children? It eats me up inside that even though we haven't been together for a year now, he still seethes with anger every time he sees me. This man- who I actually met nine years ago today and always called me his soul mate....has become a stranger. Someone who hates me with every bone in his body. That blames me for everything even though I am the one who continues to suffer hardship after hardship...how did this man used to be my best friend for so many years- someone I confided in and shared a home with- turn into this person full of so much intense rage against me?

I know I will never get the answers to these questions. I will never understand why he continues to try and hurt me when the real people he is hurting are his kids. I will never understand those who think they do no wrong...that have no accountability for the actions they have taken that ultimately got them to where they are today. My prayers would be answered if we could be cordial toward each other and work together to raise our children in the least traumatic way possible. These years are so incredibly important and these small little boys watch and hear EVERYTHING and they need their parents to be the best examples for them in life. They need to see that even if their parents could not make it work together, that they can make it work apart and still raise two little boys into amazing, loving, strong, empowering, and empathetic men. Why can't he just try? Is it really so much to ask?

I have no control over his actions and I have no desire to control him. I only want him to put his bullshit aside and take a good hard look at the situation we are in and work with me instead of CONSTANTLY against me to raise these boys the best way we can. He always wanted to make sure his kids had a childhood that was not traumatic like his own...yet instead, he is doing exactly that and it makes me so sad. I envy those who are able to co-parent and put their kids first. I hope one day things will change. If only he would just try....

Not Feeling Good Enough

It's been a while since I have written a blog. That doesn't mean I haven't had ideas for blogs. I just haven't had the time to put my thoughts down on paper so to speak. But this topic is one I am making time for in hopes that I can find other women who struggle with this feeling of not being good enough.

I know I am not alone. I know other women must be like me. They beat themselves up when they are too tired to want to play with their kids. Too tired to make dinner. Too busy to do the things in life they want to for themselves or their family. The list can go on forever! But the one department I struggle with not being good enough in the most lately is breastfeeding.

First off, let me say I envy all the women who are able to produce tons of breast milk, stock it up in the freezer and save money on formula by solely breastfeeding. I see you posting pictures on social media showing your freezer stocked up with breast milk. God, how I wish I could be you. I had dreams of doing this. I remember before I had Aiden, I was so excited to be able to stock up breast milk before I went back to work. In my mind, I was going to be able to feed my baby and lose all the baby weight by breastfeeding. But then I had Aiden and my struggle began- REALITY set IN.

Trying to get Aiden to latch was so hard. He fought it and I became defeated. And when he did breastfeed, it was incredibly painful. My nipples (I know this is detailed so I apologize to anyone who doesn't want the details- but this is important) were raw, cracked and bleeding. I tried so so so hard to breastfeed. And it was excruciating but, you know, you do anything for your kids. I decided to try and just pump to get breast milk so it would be less painful. And I did that for the entire time I was at home with Aiden (six weeks).

I felt like a machine, pumping for 15 minutes every three hours. I would only get one to two ounces out of each breast and I never was able to produce more than that no matter how much water I drank or how much I tried to pump. I felt exhausted and defeated. Why couldn't I have it as easy as other moms and be able to breastfeed my baby? Why was my body not doing what it was made to do? At six weeks, I dried up and was no long able to breastfeed. I felt like a failure.

The worst part was other moms (innocently) asking me if I'm breastfeeding. I know they were not judging but I felt judged and embarrassed that I had to formula feed my baby. I was that loser mom who couldn't provide for my baby. The shame I felt was unreal. So when I got pregnant with Hunter, I was determined to be more successful. I read up on all the ins and outs of breastfeeding so I would be prepared to give it my all. And at first I thought I might have a better go at it.

Hunter latched on much easier and I seemed to be producing a little bit more than I had with Aiden. Ahhh...but Hunter is my big boy and he loves to eat. I couldn't seem to produce enough milk to keep this boy hungry. But I kept trying (and I still am, but am really at the end of my rope). I have continued pumping, but I have also bought formula to help supplement and keep my baby full. Unfortunately, I've been producing less breast milk every day, and Hunter has slowly started getting more formula. No matter how much I tried, I still couldn't produce enough milk....and I have now had two opportunities to breastfeed and FAILED both times.

So much for saving money and providing nutrients and immunities to my son through my body. I have failed at this and I hate it. I wanted so badly to be able to continue breastfeeding but my body seems to not be on my side. For you moms out there who don't have this problem, be grateful. Be grateful you are able to provide for you children in a way I am not able to. And know I envy you. I envy you being able to provide for your child and I envy you losing weight so quickly too.

I know deep down this does not make me a bad mom but it still feels like it. And the struggle is most certainly real. That feelings of not being good enough.

Until next time...

It's Funny How Quickly You Forget

Ahhh Aiden, my sweet Aiden. I feel so blessed to have him call me mommy. Watching him grow up and discover each and every little thing is certainly a joyful experience for both of us. Rewind back to a few months ago- with these same feelings of course. Seeing everyone having babies made me so excited for them and what was in store for their future. The overwhelming feeling of love that would be engulfing them as it had me back in August 2013. I felt myself start to get the itch....

I'd been having issues with birth control and it just wasn't agreeing with my body. Jamon and I had decided that when Aiden turned two, we would try for one more. But with the BC issues, I really wanted to get off of it sooner. So we talked. Were we ready to take the plunge and try for number two? Why not? At least this way I could get the pregnancy over with and only work hard once more to get all the weight off. We agreed I would get off the BC and what happens would happen, right?

But damn- did I forget how easy it was with Aiden. It seems I can just think about being pregnant and it happens. Literally the moment I stopped taking the BC, I found myself pregnant with number two. I thought, seriously? I don't get to "try" for a little bit longer? Of course I was excited- I just didn't expect it to happen so quickly! Here was an early Christmas present for us- a new baby due to arrive in August 2015 making Aiden and baby number two for me exactly two years apart.

My excitement quickly turned into the first trimester blues! And I don't mean I was sad- I was sick as a dog! So soooo tired, not being able to keep anything down (I lost five pounds in a week!), and terrible headaches that I could only take Tylenol to relieve. I literally missed every event I was invited to the month of December. I was down for the count. I thought, what have I gotten myself into? Take it back!!! HA! Funny how quickly I forgot how hard some parts of pregnancy can be! I  currently have roughly two and a half weeks left of the first trimester so I imagine it will get better soon (crossing fingers).

In my opinion, the first trimester can be the hardest on your body. Amazing isn't it? How a strawberry sized being can suck the freaking life out of you? I guess it is a blessing in disguise that you quickly forget the hard parts of pregnancy, otherwise you wouldn't be doing it again. But I am a strong woman (hear me roar! HA) and I know I will get through this. I'm just not one of the lucky ones who has a breezy easy pregnancy.

Even the birth (I don't even want to think about it- anxiety overload) was the hardest thing I have EVER done in my life. I thought I would never get Aiden out of me. The nurses try to encourage you. "Push harder! You are almost there! You can do it!" I can't tell you how many times I heard this and I was still pushing and literally ready to pass out. Let's hope it's a little easier this time around.

I'm excited for our new venture. But with a new baby also comes a need for a new home. So this will be a big year for us. I can't wait to share my journey with you. The good, the bad and the ugly!!

When Losing Someone Becomes Heartbreak for Your Kids Instead of You

I'm sure other moms and dads have experienced this too. That moment when someone close to you (a parent, grandmother, sibling, etc) shares news about his or her daunting health. Even if it is something you can "prepare" for like cancer or another debilitating disease, it does not make this feeling any easier.

The feeling I am talking about is when you hear saddening news and it breaks your heart....but not necessarily for you. It breaks your heart for your kids. Moments your children will not get to share with this person because this said person's days are numbered. Knowing that your children are so young that they probably won't remember this beautiful human being that was such a huge part of their life.

Of course I think of how sad it is for me to lose these people that I love so much too. But it is gut-wrenching sadness that overwhelms me when I think of my kids not growing up with these people that mean so much in their lives.

It is in these moments that I realize how much my children mean to me. I never want them to not have the opportunity to grow up with people that love them so much. But sometimes, a lot of times, I am not in control and I have to accept that I can't have the people I love around forever.

I just didn't realize how soon some things in life would happen. And for that reason, as I sit with hope and prayers that these people will be around longer than I could possibly dream, I am saddened....deeply saddened by the thought that my kids will have to say goodbye to these wonderful people one day.

I Love My Country More Than I Love Yours

I don't usually like to get political. I totally believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and a lot of beliefs are instilled in us growing up (which means it is almost impossible to change anyone's opinions on politics or religion).

But I have to say this. I love my country more than I love yours. And this is why...

Tell me why we spend all our money bombing other countries, sending troops to other countries, etc. when we have so many problems at home that need to be fixed? Don't we care more about our country than trying to be the world police and force our control and beliefs on other countries? I know, I know. Your response would be, but they are terrorist and they will bomb us or come after us. EEK- run for your lives, hide in your homes!!! Ummm...last time I checked our military was out of control- and I mean in a good way. Our police force is completely prepared for ANY attack on the United States so there is no reason for us to act as the world police when our own country is crumbling before our eyes.

Look, I choose not to live in fear. I am a free-thinking individual and no one is going to convince me that we need to do something out of FEAR of something else happening. I read one time that (don't quote me) at least 60% of the things we worry about NEVER happen. That is a pretty huge percentage. So tell me again why it's worth worrying our lives away?

Back to my point- this ISIS shit and all the other bullshit we are so adamant on being in control of and "taking down" is, IN MY OPINION, a complete waste of time and resources. While our OWN people are struggling at home to make ends meet, we don't do anything to help them.  And I mean MIDDLE CLASS folks, not people you think "live off the government".  (and I know cause, hey, I'm middle class and barely making ends meet) In case you didn't know, raising kids is not only hard, but expensive. (Daycare is $1,000 a month- that's like another mortgage payment)

We won't even give women equal pay, cause fuck that right? Let's continue to treat women as second class citizens, right? Because last time I checked, and again this is my opinion, as a woman, I raise my kids, clean the house, do the laundry, go to the grocery store, help my husband with dinner, work full-time and literally have ZERO time for myself because all of my time is devoted to providing for my family and working my full-time job. I don't deserve the same pay as my male counter-part? I HIGHLY doubt that. In fact, I think I deserve more pay, because as women, we are freaking SUPER HUMAN. Yea I said it- bring it on men- PROVE ME WRONG.

When we feel like shit, we have to suck it up and put on a smile for work and our kids. We are completely underappreciated by this government and it is downright sad and embarrassing as a FIRST WORLD country. Especially when other first world countries have rights we would LOVE to have but we don't get. And tell me why is that? It works out for other first world countries, so why not for us? (oh cause we are the big bad U.S. and we just KNOW it won't work right?) When I had Aiden, I would have LOVED to have paid maternity leave. Why should I be punished and have to exhaust my leave (and I work for the government- ha) because I have to take care of my newborn? It's just not right.

This is one of many issues that seriously needs to be addressed in our country. I will stop there- cause quite frankly I could write a book. But let me ask you this- your pride for this country is big right? You love your country right? So why don't you care to make it the best it can be and help take care of your people? That should be your first and foremost priority.

Until next time.....

I think it's time I follow my intuition

I've always prided myself on listening to and following my intuition. It seems my intuition never steers me wrong- that is, when I listen to it. (Hey, I'm not perfect!)

But one thing I have always been reluctant about following my intuition on is writing my own book. Ever since I was a little girl, I have always had a passion for writing and sharing my stories. I always thought it would be fun to write my own book, but something always seems to get in the way. Whether it be the fear of failing or the fear of wasting time on something that others might not deem productive, FEAR has always stopped me from pursuing this dream. I realize these are all just fears of never being good enough which I have to fight on a daily basis.

You see, your brain is a tricky thing. It likes to do the least amount of work possible even though it has the capacity to do amazing things. My brain tricks me into thinking that doing the bare minimum in life is good enough and that if I try to do more, I could most certainly fall flat on my face. I mean no one likes being judged right? But then, that shouldn't stop us from pursuing our dreams, should it?

Today is a new day my friends. I finally made the decision to write a book. I will work on it in my spare time but I will make sure to put in the effort instead of talking myself out of it. I want to share stories that I know could help others in their journey through life. I've been through so much that I almost feel an obligation to share instead of hiding my experiences due to the fear of being judged. Because in all honesty, I know I am not the only one who has been through the things I have been through.

I know in just sharing a few of my experiences on my blog that the things we feel shame for can have profound impacts on others. It's time I stop letting shame control so much of me that yearns to be free. Today is a new day....won't you join me and follow a dream of yours and leave the fear behind? What have you got to lose?

I'm copying these rules I found today because I believe these can help you too! (courtesy of zenhabits!) Check 'em out below!

1. Show up. If you need to write, the main thing you need to do is just to sit down in front of your text editor. If you start cleaning the house, or watch some videos, or read stuff online, to put off the moment when you have to start to write, then you’re never going to write. Instead, show up. The rest will come.
2. Think about who you’re helping. Sure, there’s a lot of fear involved in doing hard work. But when you look at the fear you’re only looking at the downside. What about the upside? By showing up and working, you’re going to help someone. I think about readers who might need what I have learned. But sometimes you’re just helping yourself, building a new career or business. And that’s OK — you’re a person deserving of that help, and that’s a worthy endeavor.
3. Ruthlessly carve out the space. You’re too busy? Bullshit. Make the time if it’s important. Stop watching TV, reading news, browsing things online, looking at social media, saying yes to other people’s requests, going to lunches, get out of being the head of those committees, whatever. Carve out the time. Put it on your calendar daily and make it happen. Make that time sacred, and don’t let anything interfere. You have to be incredibly ruthless to make this happen, but you can do it.
4. Do the smallest possible step. Yes, I mean smallest possible. That doesn’t mean, “Write the first section of that report” … it means, “Go to your computer and open a document”. Or “Get up off the couch”. Or “Write one word”. Call that a success. Trust me, if you can take that first tiny step, the next step is a little easier. Get over the initial hurdle by making that hurdle as low as possible, and then keep clearing really easy hurdles until you’re an unstoppable force of nature.
5. Let yourself feel the fear. We tend to not want to be afraid, and so we think about anything else. We don’t admit the fear to ourselves until we have to. Well, it’s time — you have to. Admit that you’re afraid, and see that that’s OK. We’re all afraid. I certainly am, all the time. It’s perfectly OK to be afraid — let yourself feel it. Be open to the feeling of fear, be present with it, really experience it. See where it’s coming from. What scenarios have you imagined that cause you to be afraid? Are those scenarios real? What would you do if they happened? Could you survive? I bet you could.
6. Commit to others. Social motivation is probably the most powerful motivation there is. If you’re having trouble, ask a friend for help. Ask for some accountability. Give yourself a consequence if you fail. Don’t fail.

I Never Knew...

My life has changed in ways I never knew it could,
Ask me five years ago where I saw myself, and I wouldn't have known where I stood.

So I come to you today to share,
How I discovered love in ways that are rare.

My hope is that even if your life does not go as planned,
you can see how the unexpected in life is incredibly grand.

I Never Knew the overwhelming love of having a child until I had my little boy,
There is no way to describe it except that nothing brings me more happiness and joy.

I Never Knew at age 31 I would be raising a teenage girl and a baby boy all at one time,
But these moments will define me and show that through everything we will still make it through just fine.

I Never Knew all the struggles that I would face- from family to money issues- hey we have all been there,
Yet these struggles only make me stronger, more prepared and less unaware.

I Never Knew how watching my husband being a father would make my heart blossom,
From the gentle way he helps with homework to the way he makes them laugh is incredibly awesome.

I Never Knew I'd get so lucky in life to have a whole-hearted family to love,
Because you see it hasn't been easy
But What in Life that is worth living forever is.....

So I leave you with this- remember, I am still learning too,
When Life has you down and you think things aren't going your way,
The "never knew" can truly make tomorrow a better day.