It's been a while since I have written a blog. That doesn't mean I haven't had ideas for blogs. I just haven't had the time to put my thoughts down on paper so to speak. But this topic is one I am making time for in hopes that I can find other women who struggle with this feeling of not being good enough.
I know I am not alone. I know other women must be like me. They beat themselves up when they are too tired to want to play with their kids. Too tired to make dinner. Too busy to do the things in life they want to for themselves or their family. The list can go on forever! But the one department I struggle with not being good enough in the most lately is breastfeeding.
First off, let me say I envy all the women who are able to produce tons of breast milk, stock it up in the freezer and save money on formula by solely breastfeeding. I see you posting pictures on social media showing your freezer stocked up with breast milk. God, how I wish I could be you. I had dreams of doing this. I remember before I had Aiden, I was so excited to be able to stock up breast milk before I went back to work. In my mind, I was going to be able to feed my baby and lose all the baby weight by breastfeeding. But then I had Aiden and my struggle began- REALITY set IN.
Trying to get Aiden to latch was so hard. He fought it and I became defeated. And when he did breastfeed, it was incredibly painful. My nipples (I know this is detailed so I apologize to anyone who doesn't want the details- but this is important) were raw, cracked and bleeding. I tried so so so hard to breastfeed. And it was excruciating but, you know, you do anything for your kids. I decided to try and just pump to get breast milk so it would be less painful. And I did that for the entire time I was at home with Aiden (six weeks).
I felt like a machine, pumping for 15 minutes every three hours. I would only get one to two ounces out of each breast and I never was able to produce more than that no matter how much water I drank or how much I tried to pump. I felt exhausted and defeated. Why couldn't I have it as easy as other moms and be able to breastfeed my baby? Why was my body not doing what it was made to do? At six weeks, I dried up and was no long able to breastfeed. I felt like a failure.
The worst part was other moms (innocently) asking me if I'm breastfeeding. I know they were not judging but I felt judged and embarrassed that I had to formula feed my baby. I was that loser mom who couldn't provide for my baby. The shame I felt was unreal. So when I got pregnant with Hunter, I was determined to be more successful. I read up on all the ins and outs of breastfeeding so I would be prepared to give it my all. And at first I thought I might have a better go at it.
Hunter latched on much easier and I seemed to be producing a little bit more than I had with Aiden. Ahhh...but Hunter is my big boy and he loves to eat. I couldn't seem to produce enough milk to keep this boy hungry. But I kept trying (and I still am, but am really at the end of my rope). I have continued pumping, but I have also bought formula to help supplement and keep my baby full. Unfortunately, I've been producing less breast milk every day, and Hunter has slowly started getting more formula. No matter how much I tried, I still couldn't produce enough milk....and I have now had two opportunities to breastfeed and FAILED both times.
So much for saving money and providing nutrients and immunities to my son through my body. I have failed at this and I hate it. I wanted so badly to be able to continue breastfeeding but my body seems to not be on my side. For you moms out there who don't have this problem, be grateful. Be grateful you are able to provide for you children in a way I am not able to. And know I envy you. I envy you being able to provide for your child and I envy you losing weight so quickly too.
I know deep down this does not make me a bad mom but it still feels like it. And the struggle is most certainly real. That feelings of not being good enough.
Until next time...
Thursday, October 1, 2015
Thursday, January 8, 2015
It's Funny How Quickly You Forget
Ahhh Aiden, my sweet Aiden. I feel so blessed to have him call me mommy. Watching him grow up and discover each and every little thing is certainly a joyful experience for both of us. Rewind back to a few months ago- with these same feelings of course. Seeing everyone having babies made me so excited for them and what was in store for their future. The overwhelming feeling of love that would be engulfing them as it had me back in August 2013. I felt myself start to get the itch....
I'd been having issues with birth control and it just wasn't agreeing with my body. Jamon and I had decided that when Aiden turned two, we would try for one more. But with the BC issues, I really wanted to get off of it sooner. So we talked. Were we ready to take the plunge and try for number two? Why not? At least this way I could get the pregnancy over with and only work hard once more to get all the weight off. We agreed I would get off the BC and what happens would happen, right?
But damn- did I forget how easy it was with Aiden. It seems I can just think about being pregnant and it happens. Literally the moment I stopped taking the BC, I found myself pregnant with number two. I thought, seriously? I don't get to "try" for a little bit longer? Of course I was excited- I just didn't expect it to happen so quickly! Here was an early Christmas present for us- a new baby due to arrive in August 2015 making Aiden and baby number two for me exactly two years apart.
My excitement quickly turned into the first trimester blues! And I don't mean I was sad- I was sick as a dog! So soooo tired, not being able to keep anything down (I lost five pounds in a week!), and terrible headaches that I could only take Tylenol to relieve. I literally missed every event I was invited to the month of December. I was down for the count. I thought, what have I gotten myself into? Take it back!!! HA! Funny how quickly I forgot how hard some parts of pregnancy can be! I currently have roughly two and a half weeks left of the first trimester so I imagine it will get better soon (crossing fingers).
In my opinion, the first trimester can be the hardest on your body. Amazing isn't it? How a strawberry sized being can suck the freaking life out of you? I guess it is a blessing in disguise that you quickly forget the hard parts of pregnancy, otherwise you wouldn't be doing it again. But I am a strong woman (hear me roar! HA) and I know I will get through this. I'm just not one of the lucky ones who has a breezy easy pregnancy.
Even the birth (I don't even want to think about it- anxiety overload) was the hardest thing I have EVER done in my life. I thought I would never get Aiden out of me. The nurses try to encourage you. "Push harder! You are almost there! You can do it!" I can't tell you how many times I heard this and I was still pushing and literally ready to pass out. Let's hope it's a little easier this time around.
I'm excited for our new venture. But with a new baby also comes a need for a new home. So this will be a big year for us. I can't wait to share my journey with you. The good, the bad and the ugly!!
I'd been having issues with birth control and it just wasn't agreeing with my body. Jamon and I had decided that when Aiden turned two, we would try for one more. But with the BC issues, I really wanted to get off of it sooner. So we talked. Were we ready to take the plunge and try for number two? Why not? At least this way I could get the pregnancy over with and only work hard once more to get all the weight off. We agreed I would get off the BC and what happens would happen, right?
But damn- did I forget how easy it was with Aiden. It seems I can just think about being pregnant and it happens. Literally the moment I stopped taking the BC, I found myself pregnant with number two. I thought, seriously? I don't get to "try" for a little bit longer? Of course I was excited- I just didn't expect it to happen so quickly! Here was an early Christmas present for us- a new baby due to arrive in August 2015 making Aiden and baby number two for me exactly two years apart.
My excitement quickly turned into the first trimester blues! And I don't mean I was sad- I was sick as a dog! So soooo tired, not being able to keep anything down (I lost five pounds in a week!), and terrible headaches that I could only take Tylenol to relieve. I literally missed every event I was invited to the month of December. I was down for the count. I thought, what have I gotten myself into? Take it back!!! HA! Funny how quickly I forgot how hard some parts of pregnancy can be! I currently have roughly two and a half weeks left of the first trimester so I imagine it will get better soon (crossing fingers).
In my opinion, the first trimester can be the hardest on your body. Amazing isn't it? How a strawberry sized being can suck the freaking life out of you? I guess it is a blessing in disguise that you quickly forget the hard parts of pregnancy, otherwise you wouldn't be doing it again. But I am a strong woman (hear me roar! HA) and I know I will get through this. I'm just not one of the lucky ones who has a breezy easy pregnancy.
Even the birth (I don't even want to think about it- anxiety overload) was the hardest thing I have EVER done in my life. I thought I would never get Aiden out of me. The nurses try to encourage you. "Push harder! You are almost there! You can do it!" I can't tell you how many times I heard this and I was still pushing and literally ready to pass out. Let's hope it's a little easier this time around.
I'm excited for our new venture. But with a new baby also comes a need for a new home. So this will be a big year for us. I can't wait to share my journey with you. The good, the bad and the ugly!!
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