It's been a while since I have written a blog. That doesn't mean I haven't had ideas for blogs. I just haven't had the time to put my thoughts down on paper so to speak. But this topic is one I am making time for in hopes that I can find other women who struggle with this feeling of not being good enough.
I know I am not alone. I know other women must be like me. They beat themselves up when they are too tired to want to play with their kids. Too tired to make dinner. Too busy to do the things in life they want to for themselves or their family. The list can go on forever! But the one department I struggle with not being good enough in the most lately is breastfeeding.
First off, let me say I envy all the women who are able to produce tons of breast milk, stock it up in the freezer and save money on formula by solely breastfeeding. I see you posting pictures on social media showing your freezer stocked up with breast milk. God, how I wish I could be you. I had dreams of doing this. I remember before I had Aiden, I was so excited to be able to stock up breast milk before I went back to work. In my mind, I was going to be able to feed my baby and lose all the baby weight by breastfeeding. But then I had Aiden and my struggle began- REALITY set IN.
Trying to get Aiden to latch was so hard. He fought it and I became defeated. And when he did breastfeed, it was incredibly painful. My nipples (I know this is detailed so I apologize to anyone who doesn't want the details- but this is important) were raw, cracked and bleeding. I tried so so so hard to breastfeed. And it was excruciating but, you know, you do anything for your kids. I decided to try and just pump to get breast milk so it would be less painful. And I did that for the entire time I was at home with Aiden (six weeks).
I felt like a machine, pumping for 15 minutes every three hours. I would only get one to two ounces out of each breast and I never was able to produce more than that no matter how much water I drank or how much I tried to pump. I felt exhausted and defeated. Why couldn't I have it as easy as other moms and be able to breastfeed my baby? Why was my body not doing what it was made to do? At six weeks, I dried up and was no long able to breastfeed. I felt like a failure.
The worst part was other moms (innocently) asking me if I'm breastfeeding. I know they were not judging but I felt judged and embarrassed that I had to formula feed my baby. I was that loser mom who couldn't provide for my baby. The shame I felt was unreal. So when I got pregnant with Hunter, I was determined to be more successful. I read up on all the ins and outs of breastfeeding so I would be prepared to give it my all. And at first I thought I might have a better go at it.
Hunter latched on much easier and I seemed to be producing a little bit more than I had with Aiden. Ahhh...but Hunter is my big boy and he loves to eat. I couldn't seem to produce enough milk to keep this boy hungry. But I kept trying (and I still am, but am really at the end of my rope). I have continued pumping, but I have also bought formula to help supplement and keep my baby full. Unfortunately, I've been producing less breast milk every day, and Hunter has slowly started getting more formula. No matter how much I tried, I still couldn't produce enough milk....and I have now had two opportunities to breastfeed and FAILED both times.
So much for saving money and providing nutrients and immunities to my son through my body. I have failed at this and I hate it. I wanted so badly to be able to continue breastfeeding but my body seems to not be on my side. For you moms out there who don't have this problem, be grateful. Be grateful you are able to provide for you children in a way I am not able to. And know I envy you. I envy you being able to provide for your child and I envy you losing weight so quickly too.
I know deep down this does not make me a bad mom but it still feels like it. And the struggle is most certainly real. That feelings of not being good enough.
Until next time...
