Raising two little boys can be daunting and difficult at times, but I would never give up the loves of my life for anything in this world. They have taught me so much in only a few short years. To have patience- LOTS of patience. To embrace the tough stuff and power through. To laugh even when you feel like crying. And to especially be aware of my own behaviors (that they mimic whether I like it or not)! ;) Being a single parent is not easy- everyone knows that. But I can whole heartedly say I am so much happier than I was in a marriage where I tried my hardest, but it was never enough. And my boys are so much happier too when they have a mom that is happy. Now that I am free to be me, I know I AM enough. I know I am strong and can handle all that I have had to navigate thus far. Because somehow I wake up every day and continue to make it through this
life. But I have to say it would be so much easier and ease my heart if I had a co-parent that actually co-parented. Instead, I deal with someone who has me blocked on their phone, deletes any emails I send without even reading them, and if I ever try to ask him something regarding children when we are exchanging them, he just ignores me and is dismissive as if I do not exist.
This has gone on now for a little over a year and I wonder if it will ever change or if this is what I have to deal with for the next 15 years? Why can't he simply TRY and be the role model our boys so desperately need in him? I can be a great mom and try my best to teach them right from wrong, but my boys, for now, will always look up to their father. They instead witness how he treats their mom (and my family or anyone associated with me) and it truly breaks their hearts, because all they want is for mommy and daddy to get along. My sweet sweet children....if only you knew that is all I want too. Tragically, when my boys are with their dad, he won't allow them to call me and he openly lets them know he hates me.
It scares me that my boys are learning such terrible traits and behaviors. Why can't he just try? Why can't he simply co-parent like the judge hammered into him in court on two different occasions? How many people have to tell him that his behavior and lack of co-parenting is going to have lasting effects on his children? It eats me up inside that even though we haven't been together for a year now, he still seethes with anger every time he sees me. This man- who I actually met nine years ago today and always called me his soul mate....has become a stranger. Someone who hates me with every bone in his body. That blames me for everything even though I am the one who continues to suffer hardship after hardship...how did this man used to be my best friend for so many years- someone I confided in and shared a home with- turn into this person full of so much intense rage against me?
I know I will never get the answers to these questions. I will never understand why he continues to try and hurt me when the real people he is hurting are his kids. I will never understand those who think they do no wrong...that have no accountability for the actions they have taken that ultimately got them to where they are today. My prayers would be answered if we could be cordial toward each other and work together to raise our children in the least traumatic way possible. These years are so incredibly important and these small little boys watch and hear EVERYTHING and they need their parents to be the best examples for them in life. They need to see that even if their parents could not make it work together, that they can make it work apart and still raise two little boys into amazing, loving, strong, empowering, and empathetic men. Why can't he just try? Is it really so much to ask?
I have no control over his actions and I have no desire to control him. I only want him to put his bullshit aside and take a good hard look at the situation we are in and work with me instead of CONSTANTLY against me to raise these boys the best way we can. He always wanted to make sure his kids had a childhood that was not traumatic like his own...yet instead, he is doing exactly that and it makes me so sad. I envy those who are able to co-parent and put their kids first. I hope one day things will change. If only he would just try....
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